Always Be Closing

So we’re hiring a salesman. (I don’t want to speak too soon, but in theory he’ll be officially on board today.)

This is a pretty big step for the company, and most interesting for me: at Barefoot we specifically resisted getting a salesperson.

The logic to this was, in part, “growing too fast will kill the company”. And no matter how much you want to argue it, you know it’s true: growth and stagnation/decline are embody mirror images of almost identical challenges (explosive growth versus not having enough money for infrastructure, for example).

In the BFSW case it wasn’t the horrible margins and infrastructure issues of hosting, it was more along these lines, we feared 1)having to bring on a dozen people of highly variable quality that we then had to manage, etc and 2)how long can we keep that up, keep everyone busy, etc etc.

We talked and talked and talked, and went on endlessly about growth vs stagnation, the challenges of growth, the very real risk that too much growth could burn things out, and so on. We finally decided to do it: it’s better to die winning the fight than running from it.

Of course, there’s so many variables at play here, I can’t even count them. If nothing else, the New Guy could suck as a salesman, or $PRODUCT will be far harder to sell than he thought, or he’ll find some other greener pasture, or he just won’t like it; and we’ll do another round of interviews and keep playing this game.

Still; it’s an exciting but scary challenge, one that I never got to face at BFSW or subsequent tech positions that shall go forever unnamed.

Script Debugger 4 is composed of sex and win

Earlier I don’t think I was sufficiently effusive of Script Debugger 4.

It’s goddamn fantastic.

It manages to make Applescript suck so much less that you almost sorta forget that it sucks in the first place.

It’s expensive and big and complex, but I’ve written like 15 non-entirely-trivial Applescript thingees in the past 2 days. That’s more Applescript than I’ve written since I moved to the Mac in 1999.

It’s that awesome. Go buy it, now.

HAI GUISE

(I suppose if you’re not a /b/tard this is offensive. And I guess if you are a /b/tard this is both offensive and awesome.)

Designing For The First Launch

Daniel Jalkut (by way of Brent Simmons) is right:

… I’ll invetiably start talking about the first-launch experience and how it relates to sales. I call it the “run away screaming” factor.

When building the automated signup thingee for our Big New Product, the original spec handed to me had, oh, 15 steps; and each laden with jargon and inane decisions.

Presently it’s 5, and I’m trying really hard to eliminate a step.

In our case, it’s an online store. Removing steps was really easy, eg:

• Does it make any sense to even ask users for an Excel spreadsheet of their products at signup?
• Will users want to buy a domain name right then and there?
• Do users care about email options? (put another way, is it safe to assume users have email?)

The answers, FWIW, are “not in the least”, “probably not”, and “no (or yes)”. So right there, 3 steps were removed.

(Currently every time I see an installer package, I consider running away screaming, as it conjures up memories of Windows “setup wizards” and 15 pages of “blah blah blah next”.)

Oh and fuck you too, Applescript.

A bit of a plug here: Applescript is still a completely wretched piece of vomit covered in AIDS and fail, but you can wipe a little of the fail off with Script Debugger.

Now to convince my boss to drop the dosh on it TO MAKE THE FUCKING PAIN STOP.

I’m pretty sure I’m now actually fed up

Dear US Gov’t, House of Representatives, Senate, and related parties:

You know what? Fuck you, that’s what.

Your plan to stimulate the economy doesn’t amount of a fucking hill of beans. It’s a goddamned limpdick hand-job from a burned-out whore.

I mean, what more does this amount to than beer-and-cigarettes money? You know what’s going to go up? Lottery ticket spending, you stupid dickheads.

$1200 is half my fucking mortgage payment. Christ, I think it might not have even been my rent on my 1-bedroom apartment (that I shared with my wife; had I been single, I know the $600 wouldn’t amount to shit).

So if I’m about to get foreclosed, or about to have my car repoed, or $35,000 in credit card debt, what the fuck is that $1200 supposed to be for? New big-screen TV?

Problem the first is, you assholes have never been SMB - Seriously Muthafuckin Broke. Cause if you had been, you’d know: when one is SMB, one no longer gives a fuck about “economic stimulus”. $600 means, “I get a couple extra cartons of Basics and eat the non-generic Hot Pockets”.

In other words there is a kind of “failure point” where things become utterly binary: either you have the money or you don’t. There is no “payment plan” and there is no “economic stimulus”. SMB means “who gives a fuck”, maybe I will blow it all on lottery tickets, Marlboros, and beer.

Problem the second is, you assholes can’t afford politically to do anything meaningful and we know it. If I’m approaching SMB or generally just looking to make my financial situation strong, I very simply

1. Write down my total income
2. Write down all the things I spend money on (expenses)

Then if #2 is greater than #1, I start crossing shit off #2 (ie, reducing spending) until #1 is greater than #2. If I can’t make the totals work out I get another job.

But you assholes can’t do any of that, and you won’t do any of that. You won’t be fiscally responsible, ever. You’re children with their first credit card, uncaring what a minimum payment really means. You won’t just get the fuck out of the war (and use all that WOW FREE MONEY to, oh, pay down debt), you won’t stop ruthlessly piling pork and waste into spending bills, you won’t stop ensuring everyone everywhere gets some cut of the tax revenue no matter what.

The only answer you have to the fiscal clusterfuck you created is further fiscal irresponsibility. You’re like a person who’s $20,000 but frantically applying for credit cards, hoping they can get enough to keep shuffling that debt around. Throw enough money around the club until everyone forgets what an unbearable asshole you are.

Honestly I don’t even want the money (ok that’s a lie I LOVE FILTHY LUCRE, but bear with me). I feel like I’m rewarding bad behavior. Somehow this is supposed to stimulate the economy: I guess a new TV helps? Given that it’s built with Chinese labor by a Japanese company? But Wal-Mart will get their slice so I guess that’s OK.

The M16/M4 blows: the complete, omnibus version

The complete guide to the M4 Carbine Controversy: http://www.defenseindustrydaily.com/the-usas-m4-carbine-controversy-03289/

A very good rundown of the late history of our craptacular service rifle, that wiser services avoid buying.

How I work out

For reference purposes, part deux of fitness ramblings; vaguely apropos as the gyms are no doubt filled with people starting their resolutions. (Mine is appropriately packed)

What I eat

People assume I don’t eat much. It turns out, I eat all the time. And by all the time, I mean, “ALL THE GODDAMN TIME”. I’m practically never not eating.

Giuliani bellyfeels blackwhite goodthought, declares crimethink doubleplus ungood

“What we don’t see is that freedom is not a concept in which people can do anything they want, be anything they can be,” he said at the forum, sponsored by The New York Post. “Freedom is about authority. Freedom is about the willingness of every single human being to cede to lawful authority a great deal of discretion about what you do.”

(source)

He later added that Oceania has has always been at war with Eastasia.